foaxes 2

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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀awk here we go again

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀here I go again on ma ain

that’s a gid song aht

⠀⠀wee bitta whitesnake

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ hing on

⠀⠀⠀⠀ahts detractin fae ma point

⠀⠀aht hings distractin me again

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀wae its mad ginger tail

⠀⠀flickin aboot aw ooer the joint lit a feather duster

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ let me journey back

⠀⠀⠀⠀aht foax ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀is back again

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ye ken thi wan

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀mockin me ⠀⠀⠀so it is

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀well no this year pal

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀her maw n dah are ooer

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀sa the wains are entertained

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀climbin aw ooer thair heeds

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀lit wee spider monkeys

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀scoffin quality street

⠀⠀⠀⠀n makin stain glass windaes oot thi wrappers

keep thum occupado for a while

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀no payin attention tae whit am dain

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀ah wis prepared this year ⠀⠀⠀⠀so ah wis

ah might still have her pink goonie on ⠀⠀⠀standard

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀but ah’ve no goat the slippers oan this time

⠀⠀⠀ah’ve goat ma bits oan n ah dont care anymare

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀aht hings gettin hunted

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀it scampers across ma grass

⠀⠀⠀coated wae that thick frost

thi kind aht crunches unner yer bits lit gravel

⠀⠀n there’s a fog creepin lit sumhin ootta silent hill

⠀⠀⠀⠀n aht foax is balancin up oan its hind legs

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀front paws oan ma bin

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀readin fur tippin the hing

well no this time bucko

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀ahm just aboot tae charge oot there

⠀⠀three day auld daily record in haun

bits strapped onto ma freezing tootsies

⠀⠀⠀huntin this hing oot ma gairden once n fur aw

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀but here

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀just as ah go fur the door

⠀⠀⠀⠀wee pebbles paws at ma trooser leg

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀she kens whit ahm lukin at

we caw her pebbles like the wee yin in the flintstones

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀on account ae her rid hair

 

she’s goat a leftovers piece in her other wee paw

⠀⠀⠀⠀turkey n squashed stuffin n pigs n blankits

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀n cranberry sauce ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀gadz

⠀⠀⠀⠀ n gravy n bacon chucked in fur gid measure

a cacophonous combo ae the horrid food aht comes

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀wae this mingin festive season

 

⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀she’s sayin

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀dah dah mon we’ll gee a piece

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀ tae the wee foaxes

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀tae the foaxes

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀is she

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀kiddin me oan?

⠀⠀but wae her suddenly sleepy wee eyes

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀n aht wee face

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ah can hardly say naw cin ah

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀we totter oot thi backdoor n thairs thi menace

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀thi beast aht mocks me

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀comes back here n laughs aht me

⠀⠀ thi vermin aht plagues ma dreams ⠀⠀⠀so it does

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀n we ur walkin across the grass

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀n it freezes n stares at us

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀n a single wee club slinks oot fae behin it

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀it’s got pure fuzzy mockit fur

 

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀wee pebbles lets go ae ma haun

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀mon dah dah

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀shes sayin

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀bold as ye like

⠀⠀⠀⠀she’s ooer thair in her wee barbie wellies

⠀⠀extendin her paw tae the wee fuzzy ginger pups

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀n placin the piece on the grass pure gentle

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀crouchin doon next tae the foaxes

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀she makes aht chi-chi noise

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the same noise she makes tae thi cat

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀n they look at me

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀as if fur permission

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀n patter closer tae hur

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀until she cin gee thum a wee clap

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀they munch away oan thi piece n

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀after a while ah go ooer

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀even end up clappin thi wee hings

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀wid ye believe

⠀⠀⠀⠀thi wee cubs wid melt a black hert ⠀⠀⠀so they wid

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀thair pure wispy fur

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀n thair lit a wrickle ah bones unnerneath

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀thair needin fed dah dah

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀she’s sayin

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀bless her wee cotton soakes

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀n here

⠀ye wilny believe this

⠀⠀⠀day after boxin day

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀thair ah um

⠀⠀⠀⠀sittin outside oan the grass

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀in the freezing cauld

⠀⠀⠀⠀hearin thi wains blarin the grinch oan the telly

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀wan leftoor piece n guess whit am dain

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  waitin oan these foaxes

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀n sure enough

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀they poke thair heeds oot fae the hedge

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀bold as ye like

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀n thair oor aht ma feet

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀tearin throo thi turkey n bacon

 

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀aye fair enough

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀awrite ah’ll allow it

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀happy new year bois

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What do you think of foaxes 2? Let me know in the comment section below. Read the original foaxes poem here.

Theatre Review: Sleeping Beauty at The King’s Theatre

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Published by Glasgowist.

As we snuggle down in our seats, show programme in one hand and an extra-large mixed strawberry and blue raspberry slush puppy in the other, the audience at The Kings Theatre is buzzing for the opening night of the Christmas panto, Sleeping Beauty.

There’s something about pantomime which turns everyone into big kids. With the extravagant, over the top costume, candy-coloured, glitter-covered set, kids hyped up on sweeties running around with Santa hats and light up wands, and the wee man selling tiny pots of overpriced ice-cream at the interval, the setting always inspires nostalgia and throws us back to primary school class trips to the panto before the Christmas holidays.

Sleeping Beauty is a Scottish retelling of the beloved fairy tale of a beautiful princess who inspires envy in a cruel enchantress who curses her to a sleeping death if she pricks her finger on a spinning wheel before her twenty-first birthday. But with Beauty’s loyal fairy godmother at her side to protect her, will she manage to escape the curse?

The Kings Theatre is synonymous with panto, as is the leading star of Sleeping Beauty, Elaine C Smith. Famous for playing the hysterical matriarch, Mary Doll, in Rab C Nesbitt and the star of Two Doors Down and City Lights, Smith is back in her playground as Sleeping Beauty’s fairy godmother, Fairy Bella. A treasure of Glasgow stage and screen, Smith brings a new dimension to the show’s humour with her lovable-mammy-meets-Glasgow-tough-bird persona.

The gags in Sleeping Beauty, specific with inside jokes suited to a West of Scotland audience, add a personal, family touch to the show. Smith’s cameo as a Glaswegian Adele singing ‘Haw You’ at Sleeping Beauty’s twenty-first birthday party and her rendition of I Belong to Glasgow were among the hilarious yet heart-warming highlights.

Starring alongside Smith is Johnny Mac who steals the show as Fairy Bella’s dim-witted son and sidekick, Muddles. As the court jester who is secretly in love with Beauty but can’t muster up the courage to confess his true feelings, Muddles gets into all sorts of side-splitting scrapes and mischief.

The show also features Juliet Cadzow as the evil, maleficent villain Carabosse and Paul-James Corrigan as her son and reluctant, Igor-like henchman Slimeball. With the wonderful Maggie Lynne as Princess Beauty and Will Knights as Prince Calum, the pair provide the perfect true love’s first kiss and the happy ending everyone wants to see.

The impromptu engagement with audience members who are cherry-picked from the front row, and the ‘accidental’ stage blunders like the exploding lighting and the falling of the curtain which reveals a stage full of cast members, stage hands, and dancers loitering behind the scenes and scurrying to their positions gave the audience proper belly laughs.

It is when things go wrong, whether intentionally or otherwise, and we spot Elaine C Smith and Johnny Mac biting their bottom lip to hold back laughter at their latest misspoken line or a joke that only the adults get that makes this Glasgow panto such great fun.

The repetitive, slapstick humour, the breaking of the fourth wall and total disregard for traditional theatre etiquette, and the cast’s ability to make fun of themselves and pantomime itself immediately puts the audience at ease and encourages us to loosen up and have a good time.

It’s undeniable that Sleeping Beauty is a family affair, filled with everything you could want to see in your Christmas panto including lively music, silly physical comedy, a loathsome villain, a Disney happy ending, and a few cryptic jokes for the grownups, too. For the perfect cherry on top of this year’s Christmas cake, get down to The Kings Theatre this December.

Have you seen Sleeping Beauty? Let me know what you think in the comment section below.

foaxes

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Published by Quotidian literary magazine and runner-up in New Zealand International Robert Burns Poetry Competition, featured in Dunedin Public Libraries e-magazine.

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here
thair its thair
aht foax again
rummagin throo ma bins
bold as ye like
boxin day
dain ma boax in

its fureezin
ahm only in ma slippers
sa ah canny go oot n hunt it
no in this weaer
snaws awfa deep

aht foax hus goat ma wheelie bin tipped rite oor
n its firin intae ma auld boax eh special kay
ahm hauf hopin an auld crismas
cracker goes aff in its face

ahm aboot tae shout
hawl you move
but then ah see a wee cub behin it
scamperin oot fae eh hedge
wan two three
three cubs
scurryin across ma gairden
mad wee ginger snouts
n bushy tails too big fur thair boadies
nosin throo leftover pigs n blankits

awk ah feel bad noo
ah widny hurt they wee cubs fur thi world
neither ah wid

its pure cute seein um
a wee faimily
munchin away oan herb n garlic stuffin

ah cin heer eh wains screamin
n sum disny fulm playin
n ah cin smell turkey gettin reheated
n ahm hinkin aboot how much lecky is burnin
while ah munch toast n luk oot eh back windae
in ma new crismas jammies wae her pink goonie oan
since ah didny get wan

n ahm watchin eh wee foaxes
thair wee sharp mooths full eh fruit cake
in aboot ma rubbish
in thi snaw
in ma back gairden
huvin thair ain crismas dinner

enjoy bois
merry crismas

 

What do you think of ‘foaxes’? Let me know in the comment section below.

 

 

‘moon child’ Blogmas: The Best Christmas Songs

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MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE! It’s day 5 of Blogmas and the second last day of the series, with one more post tomorrow with a piece of Christmassy fiction.

But, first of all, Merry Christmas Eve from myself and the ‘moon child’ mascots, my dogs: Sabre and Lucky!

‘moon child’ Instagram.

I’ve seen so many great pictures already today on Instagram and Twitter of lots of animals dressed up in their Christmas attire getting ready for the big day! I can’t wait to give the dogs their presents tomorrow. (It’s just dog treats wrapped up in Christmas paper but they get so excited trying to tear them open.)

Anyway, getting back to Blogmas. This Christmas Eve post is dedicated to the best festive songs! Since a lot of people will be having parties, meeting up with friends and family, or heading to the pub today, there’s no better time for some Christmassy tunes.

Here is the ‘moon child’ top 15 Christmas songs (in no particular order) from John Lennon’s ‘Happy Xmas (War Is Over)’ and Band Aid’s ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’, to ‘Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)’ by The Darkness and ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday’ by Wizzard. So, click on the Spotify playlist below and have a wee listen to ‘moon child Christmas!’:

Another, largely unknown, Christmassy gem I’ve found only this month is Becky Hill’s cover of Fairytale of New York. I’ve always loved this song but I have to say, I might actually prefer Becky’s version just a little smidge more than the Pogues. I watched Becky when she was on The Voice UK and I’ve always been a fan. She has an incredible voice and definitely does justice to this Christmas anthem. Have a listen:

Whatever you have planned for today and tomorrow, and whoever you are spending the holidays with, I wish you all a merry Christmas and all the best for 2016! I hope that tomorrow morning, after Santa’s been, you all get everything you wished for. And stay tuned tomorrow for the final Blogmas post!

What’s your favourite Christmas song? Let me know in the comment secton below.

Thank you for your continued support of ‘moon child’. You can also follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook to keep up to date with ‘moon child’ Christmas goings-on.

‘moon child’ Blogmas: Remembering 22/12/14

For day 3 of ‘moon child’ Blogmas, I thought I’d do something a little different. Today marks the first anniversary of the Glasgow bin lorry crash where six people died just three days before Christmas. And when I was looking through my desk this morning, I came across a dusty piece of paper with a poem I wrote shortly after the tragedy happened.

I was in Glasgow the day of the crash having lunch with a friend who I was supposed to meet outside Queen Street Station around the time the crash happened. But, luckily, she ended up getting a later train. We were in Gourmet Burger Kitchen when the emergency services started rushing past and we learned what had happened.

The atmosphere in Glasgow that day was something I had never felt in the city before – it was eerie, quiet and somber. While the incident was a terrible tragedy, seeing the way Glaswegians pulled together to support the victims and their families was remarkable. I wrote this poem with the intention of laying it among the flowers and cards at Royal Exchange Square, but I didn’t have the heart to do it. I felt that it wasn’t good enough to leave among the other messages. But, when I found it today, I decided to share it.

I originally wrote the poem on my typewriter, so this is a scanned version. To zoom in closer to read the text, simply right click on the image, then click on ‘view image’.

Featured image courtesy of Flickr.

 

‘moon child’ Blogmas: A Charitable Christmas

So, today is the 21st of December and we’re now on to day 2 of ‘moon child’ Blogmas! With only four sleeps left until Christmas Day, I thought I’d create a post dedicated to giving back to those less fortunate at Christmas time. Here is the ‘moon child’ top 5 simple and relatively cheap ways to be charitable this festive season:

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Buy a meal for a homeless person on Christmas Day at Social Bite

Social Bite is a sandwich shop with a difference. Based in Scotland (Glasgow, Edinburgh and Aberdeen), Social Bite is a ‘social business’ which means that 100% (every single penny) of their profits go to good causes, and 1 in 4 of the team working at Social Bite are former homeless people. They also feed the local homeless community through the ‘Suspended Coffee and Food’ initiative.

This Christmas, Social Bite will open their doors on Christmas Day to feed the local homeless community and they need help to make sure as many people can get a hot meal and drink on the 25th as possible.

Click this link to donate just £5 to buy a meal for a homeless person or refugee this Christmas – but hurry, you only have hours left to do it! And watch the video below to find out more about how the business works, how it’s changing lives, and how you can help. (You may just spot a certain famous face in the clip, too.)

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Buy a present for a needy cat this Christmas using Amazon Wishlist

As well as helping other people, you can also help needy animals this Christmas by paying for a present which will go to a homeless cat at the North Ayrshire Cat Protection. Click this link to go to the Amazon Wishlist page where you can buy anything and everything from cat food pouches, litter scoopers, toys, beds, blankets, climbing frames and more. Even if you can only spare a few pounds, some of the items available are really cheap, and every little helps.

Image source.

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Donate to Dogs Trust

As the saying goes, a dog is for life, not just for Christmas. But, sadly, there will still be many dogs who are homeless or in shelters this holiday season. Dogs Trust have shelters across the UK and do amazing work by rescuing and re-homing dogs. For those without owners this Christmas, you can still help by sending a donation to Dogs Trust by clicking on this link.

Who could resist this face?

Image source.

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Donate items to food banks and/or charity shops

By simply Googling food banks and charity shops in your local area, you can easily find one nearby and donate tinned goods and food items, warm clothes and gifts that you don’t need, in order to make someone else’s Christmas. Most of us tend to over-buy at Christmas and there will always be goods to spare. So, why not donate them to a worthy cause?

What charitable gestures do you do at Christmas? Let me know in the comment section below.

‘moon child’ Blogmas: Top 5 Christmas TV Episodes

*Noddy Holder voice* IT’S BLOGMAS! We’re now only five precious sleeps away from Christmas and to mark the occasion, ‘moon child’ will be posting a special festive post every day until the big day, with a special fiction blog post on the 25th – so, stay tuned! Today (December 20th) marks the first post of Blogmas and to kick things off, here is my first festive article of the season, a countdown of the top five best Christmas TV specials:

Published by CultNoise magazine.

One of the best things about Christmas – aside from Christmas trees, festive songs, decorations, Christmas films, gift giving, hot chocolate, Christmas dinner, shopping, being with loved ones, and a million other things – is Christmas TV episodes of our favourite shows! The Christmas period wouldn’t be the same without everyone in TV from Sheldon Cooper to Chandler Bing taking part (sometimes reluctantly) in some yuletide cheer. So, here is our pick of the top 5 Christmas TV episodes:

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The Big Bang Theory – The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

From way back when in Season 2 in 2009, this Christmas special of Big Bang is a (relatively) oldie but goodie. In this episode, Leonard accidentally sets up Penny with another physicist at the university and is forced to see someone else with the woman we all know he should be with. While Sheldon stresses out in typical Sheldon Cooper ‘I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested’ style over gift giving, Penny faces heartbreak at Christmas when she finds out new boyfriend Dave has a wife, and subsequently has a ‘moment’ with Leonard when he comforts her, as we all shout ‘Just kiss him!’ at our TV screens. As the trio, Leonard, Penny and Sheldon, are untied on Christmas Day, Sheldon becomes hysterical when he receives his special Leonard Nimoy gift from Penny, and we see a very rare, albeit awkward, Sheldon Cooper hug.

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Friends – The One with Christmas in Tulsa

In this classic festive special of Friends, Chandler is forced to work in Tulsa on Christmas Day while the rest of the gang are feeling gloomy without him back in New York. When the group talk to Chandler over loud speaker on the phone, they realise that Chandler is alone in his office with a young attractive female colleague (who happens to be the runner-up Miss Oklahoma) and Monica is immediately suspicious. Meanwhile, Chandler reminisces on his relationship with Monica and we see some of our favourite Mondler moments, and Chandler also flashes back to previous Christmases with the gang. But the episode does have a happy ending when Chandler realises what’s really important and returns home announcing he has quit the job that kept him away from his beloved wife and his friends. Good for you Chandler, stick it to the man!

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Father Ted – A Christmassy Ted

The kitschy ’90s comedy equivalent of The IT Crowd, Father Ted is next on our line up with the 1996 Christmas special. The 55-minute long episode sees Father Ted winning a Golden Cleric award for getting a group of priests out of an embarrassing situation (they were all lost in the huge lingerie section of a department store, not exactly appropriate for men of the cloth) and a rogue thief posing as a fellow priest manages to con his way into the Parochial House in a bid to steal the prize. Between Dougal covering himself in glitter while making Christmas cards and being bewildered by flashing tree lights, and Mrs Doyle having a crisis over receiving a tea-maker when she “likes the misery” of making the tea, this Christmas special of the satirical comedy is a must-watch this festive season.

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How I Met Your Mother – How Lily Stole Christmas

As Marshal and Lily are reunited in this holiday episode of How I Met Your Mother, Lily finds out that Ted called Lily a bad word during her break-up with Marshall, a word censored by future Ted and renamed ‘Grinch’. Offended by Ted’s insult, Lily decides to ‘steal Christmas’ by taking her renowned Christmas display away from the apartment. Ted then tries to convince Lily to bring Christmas back for the sake of Marshall (who is like a big kid during the holidays), as Barney falls ill and Robin has to take care of him over the festive period. For Christmas fun in Ted’s typical back-and-forth, overlapping storytelling style, this episode of How I Met Your Mother is one of the best.

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Mrs Browns Boys – Mammy’s Tickled Pink

The comedy phenomenon, Brendan O’Carroll’s creation Mrs Browns Boys is set to head back to our screens for more Christmassy episodes this year. But in the meantime, we can revel in ‘Mammy’s Tickled Pink’. In this episode, Agnes Brown has lost her usual festive spirit and is feeling depressed as her son Trevor is unable to return home from the missions, Mrs Nicholson is pressuring her daughter Maria and her husband, Agnes’s son, Dermot to spend Christmas with her instead of at the Browns, and it feels like everyone is leaving her at the most special time of year. But, as Agnes herself says, everything always works out the way it’s supposed to, and Mammy Brown gets the merry, warm and fuzzy (and hilarious) Christmas she was hoping for. Mrs Browns Boys is the new essential tradition at Christmas as the gang have us crying one minute, and crying with laughter the next.

What are your favourite Christmas TV episodes? Let me know in the comment section below.

‘moon child’ Review: Glasgow Central Station Underground Tour

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My visit to the hidden depths (and dungeons?) of Glasgow Central Station started at the meeting point opposite Marks and Spencers in the main part of Central we all know and love. Our tour guide and resident amaetur historian Paul Lyons greeted us with typical Glaswegian warmth and humour, and led us down to the vaults underneath the station to share the tales of the ghosts, histories, and voices of the station’s past.

The station itself, with its colossal castle-like exterior, has always been one of Glasgow’s most iconic buildings, and is the very epicentre of the town.

But this part of the station that we’re all familar with is just the tip of the iceberg, as there is a whole lot more underneath.

As Paul led us deeper down stony steps and dark corridors, he told tales of the original 1879 station in an enchanting Billy Connolly storytelling style of stories within stories, which was appropriate considering that Central Station is a place of rooms within rooms, buildings within buildings, and train station on top of village. (Glasgow’s equivolent of Atlanis, the Victorian village of Grahamston, lies beneath the station.)

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Among Paul’s bucket load of facts were: the formerly-black Central Station gates which have now been restored back to the classic green and gold colours of the original Caledonia Railway Company (at the cost of £48,000) were originally painted black because of the mounring Queen Victoria who visited the city during the Glasgow International Exhibition in 1888; the stunning roof of Central contains a staggering 48,000 panes of glass; and the girders that hold the roof up (a magnificent feet of engineering and architecture) haven’t moved an inch since their installation (which, bolt by bolt, was all done by hand).

Walking through the depths of the station, we also saw countless murals dedicated to the station and its history, including memorials to the station’s famous architect James Miller, and some to commemorate the First World War.

It was here that Paul shared a largely untold story of the women of Glasgow during the war. While the city centre is littered with memorials and statues dedicated to heroic men in Glasgow’s history, Paul pointed out that the story of the women who suffered during WW1 has been all but forgotten.

It was in this room (picture below) that a temporary mortuary was set up to hold deceased soldiers that were brought back to Glasgow from France. Due to funding shortages, the men weren’t even brought back in coffins but were instead carried off trains and into the mortuary on stretchers, and staked sometimes four or five bodies high. When the bodies arrived, the girlfriends, fiances and wives of the deceased had to go down into the lower level of the station to identify their loved ones, some of which had such horrific facial injuries that identification was nigh on impossible.

Only women between the ages of 18 and 26 went into the mortuary to identify their boyfriends, husbands, and brothers, and were expected to carry their loved out up and out of the mortuary. Carrying a body singlehandedly, however, was not possible. And as a result, the women had to go back up to the main station and pay strangers, usually unemployed men looking to make a few bob, to come down and carry their loved one out of the mortuary. The deceased would then be put in a barrow and taken home.

Paul, himself, said that while it is men who start and fight in the wars of the world, it is women who are expected to clean up the mess left behind, and hardly ever receive any thanks for doing so. Paul reminded us that some of the stories and histories of the station may not be happy ones, and he doesn’t tell them for a laugh, but he tells them for a reason. It is important that we all take an interest in our local, as well as national, history and keep the stories alive of those who have largely been forgotten. Paul does, however, plan to have a poem and a plaque put on the wall in this room to commemorate the women who suffered during the war.

For the lucky soldiers who did return home alive, their girlfriends, fiances, wives, mothers, aunties and grandmothers would be waiting at Platform 1 with rows and rows of candles. But this, surpsingly, wasn’t a romantic or sentimental gesture. They, in fact, used the candles to burn the lice off the men’s kilts as their uniforms would be crawling with the creatures, and Glaswegian housewives certainly didn’t want those in their house.

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Moving on further down into the station, Paul then took us to the famous Victorian platform.

This platform is even close enough to the present day platforms on the lower level of the station that you can see trains approaching in the distance through the tunnel, and, for a moment, as the train lights create an optical illusion, you start to think that a train really is rolling in to the Victorian platform.

(These staggering, solid columns seen above which support a large section of the station would, in today’s money, cost around £42,000 each to make.)

Paul also told us about his hopes and plans to further restore the platform, including advert posters from the period up on the walls, and even having a real, preserved Victorian carriage installed into the indentation on the platform.

Paul and his team, even now, are continuously knocking down walls and discovering more amazing finds in this seemingly never-ending, magical (and possibly haunted?) station. Only recently, he discovered old newspapers from the 1900s, and knocked down a wall into a room to find stakes of old style telephones.

The Glasgow Central Tour is one that is constantly evolving as the team discover and restore more of the hidden lower level piece-by-piece. So, every time you go back, you’ll hear new-old stories and see new things.

While many attractions such as this one have actors, scripts and gimmicky costumes, the Glasgow Central Tour is a fascinating, engaging and genuine re-telling of the history of Scotland’s most famous train station, presented by an extremely passionate and enthusiastic team. Tour guide Paul (who could give Neil Oliver a run for his money) has a natural knack for storytelling, putting people at ease, making people laugh, and also making people think. His enthusiasm for Glasgow’s history is infectious, and this tour is a must-do for tourists and locals alike.

The money raised by ticket sales is used to fund in the development of the tour. So, you know your money is going to a good cause! I couldn’t recommend the tour enough, and I can’t wait to go back soon and see what’s new (or old?).

Rating: 5/5

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You can follow the Glasgow Central Tour on Twitter (seen below), and visit the website to buy tickets and learn more.

This is what we call a busy platform in the 1879 Station. look at where the platforms end! https://t.co/fIkoEaPWI2 pic.twitter.com/8zm2dCvzyf

— Glasgow Central Tour (@GLCTours) October 24, 2015

 What do you think about this blog post on the Glasgow Central Tour? Let me know in the comment section below.

‘moon child’ Fiction Published in Devolution Z Magazine

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I’m delighted to announce that my short story “Flesh and Blood” has been published in the December 2015 issue of horror fiction magazine, Devolution Z!

Here is a short extract from “Flesh and Blood”:

As the chill rippled his arms into waves of goose bumps, Malcom gazed across the room to see a strange mist gradually oozing up from the floorboards and into his bedroom.

Malcom instinctively backed away and climbed onto his bed. He wondered if the room below his had caught fire but there was no heat radiating from underneath his room and this smoke didn’t smell like smoke.

It was a cold fog that carried a putrid stench like the scent of a decaying leaves. Every ounce of heat left the room until it was completely freezing. The candles were extinguished with a breeze and the warm colours on the walls became watery and drained away. Suddenly the room was deep blue and the ceiling began to crack, crumble, turn to soil and fall to the floor…

You can read the rest of the story by purchasing the print edition (only £4.60!) or eBook format of the magazine from Amazon.

The magazine features 12 other great authors and it’s a steal at such a low price, so get buying! If you do buy a copy, let me know what you think in the comment section below or tweet me a selfie with your copy.

“Devolution Z – Featuring 13 original horror short stories and poems published monthly. Available on Amazon! Don’t miss our special Holiday Horrors included in this issue!”

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 In this issue:

HOLIDAY HORRORS

“From the Chimney It Came…” by Travis West
“Gribble-on-The-Grub” by Jamie Flook
“I’ll be Home for Christmas” by Jay Michael Wright II
“Six Beasts a Flaying” by S.E. Casey

POETRY

“Lilliputian Matters” by KC Wilder
“Why She Did It” by Lisa Lepovetsky
“Exiled to Hastur” by Bruce Boston
“Northwest” by Benjamin Blake

SHORT STORIES

“In Their Image” by Brian H. Seitzman
“Flesh and Blood” by Sophie McNaughton
“What Hath God Wrought” by Greg Chapman
“Natural Growth” by M.B. Vujacic
“The Spirit of Trade” by Neil McRobert

ILLUSTRATIONS

Frost Newton
Luke Spooner

COVER ART

Luke Spooner

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Have you bought your copy of Devolution Z yet? Let us know in the comment section below.

Featured image from Devolution Z. Edited by Sophie McNaughton.